Wading through a Sea of Fluff

You may have noticed that my blog posts have been rather, shall we say, fluffy of late. In general, I like fluff. I like predictable movies with happy endings. I read People magazine. But I think there has been an unintentional drift toward really fluffy posts since my Mom was diagnosed with cancer. That and we have a really cute baby around here who I just love to post pictures of.
I'm sorry, I couldn't help it.

But for today at least, there is an intentional choice for a non-fluffy post. I think it is good for me to extend myself beyond "quirky stories of our daily activities peppered with cutesy pictures" in my little corner of the blog universe. I don't want to strain myself trying to write something meaningful, so I'll just post an excerpt from my journal. That way I know it is for real and not an a desperate attempt to not be shallow on my blog. This is a little scary for me because my inner thoughts are, indeed, a little scary. But here goes...

(Context: I had just read a chapter from "A Shelter from the Storm" by Paul David Tripp about waiting. Great book, btw.)

"After years of waiting regarding adoption, I don't feel like I'm waiting in my life right now. I don't want time to pass at all in fact. I want to freeze time with my Lulu this little. And with Tate wanting to hang out with his parents every Friday night. And our kids (mostly) getting along. And with Mommy feeling good and with us. I am longing for things NOT to change. Especially with Mommy.

But the common element in the "not waiting time" of late and the waiting time of the past is a longing. In both a longing has been within me for something I cannot make happen. I can not freeze time. Lulu will grow, thankfully, and cancer will grow in time too, unfortunately. Both out of my control. But in Yours, right? I need reassurance of that right now, Lord. Really, things aren't that hard right now. We are in a good season with our kids. Mommy feels okay and we are cherishing every moment with her. But hard days are ahead for sure. And I need to know the answer to that question deep down.

Because that affects another question, who will I be in those hard days? If I avoid You now, as I have been doing, and try to insulate myself from pain, I don't think I will have a very deep well to draw from when the going gets tougher. I guess the real question is, who will YOU be in those hard days? The same as You are today when pain is on the horizon, but the sun is still shining. The same as You were the day we held Lulu in our arms for the first time, feeling as if we were touching a miracle. The same as You were the day Daddy died. The same as You are on the days I sit on the kitchen floor and cry b/c my life doesn't make sense. The same as the days when my life seems like it couldn't get any better.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever.

Really? Cause it doesn't feel like it. But I have seen it to be true again and again. And I've felt You to be real in all the above and a million other circumstances and whacked out emotions.

So let me draw near to you TODAY. A pretty good day. Because the not-so-good days and really awful days are bound to come. And I want to have you around for all of them. You are mine...everyday."

P.S. I'm not giving up fluffy posts. I like fluff and I need it in my life. I just don't want to use it as an escape.