Two years ago we were at the hospital while I miscarried our 10 week old baby, Baby Cali.
The pregnancy had been a surprise.
I love surprises.
I remember sitting in the hospital the next day, sad and alone.
The longing to have and know my child was almost more than I could bear.
God led me to Psalm 113.
v5Who is like the Lord our God,
the One who sits enthroned on high,
v6who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth?
v9He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children.
Praise the LORD.
With 3 children at home, I didn't know the pain of being truly barren.
But my empty womb was barren that day when before it
had been full. Full of the promise of new life.
The promise God gave me that day is that He sits enthroned on high.
He was enthroned when we conceived. He was enthroned when the
ultrasound revealed that the baby had died. He was enthroned as I sat in
a hospital bed alone with my longing.
And He is enthroned now as I sit with another longing.
A longing to adopt that has been 5 years in the making.
Our miscarriage was a part of this process as,
after a time of grieving our loss,
we really sought the Lord about the best way to grow our family.
Adopting a child does not "replace" the one we lost.
You replace batteries, not people.
But as we walk this journey, with longing and hope,
I want to remember that there is One who sits enthroned on high.
I'm glad I know Him.
The pregnancy had been a surprise.
I love surprises.
I remember sitting in the hospital the next day, sad and alone.
The longing to have and know my child was almost more than I could bear.
God led me to Psalm 113.
v5Who is like the Lord our God,
the One who sits enthroned on high,
v6who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth?
v9He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children.
Praise the LORD.
With 3 children at home, I didn't know the pain of being truly barren.
But my empty womb was barren that day when before it
had been full. Full of the promise of new life.
The promise God gave me that day is that He sits enthroned on high.
He was enthroned when we conceived. He was enthroned when the
ultrasound revealed that the baby had died. He was enthroned as I sat in
a hospital bed alone with my longing.
And He is enthroned now as I sit with another longing.
A longing to adopt that has been 5 years in the making.
Our miscarriage was a part of this process as,
after a time of grieving our loss,
we really sought the Lord about the best way to grow our family.
Adopting a child does not "replace" the one we lost.
You replace batteries, not people.
But as we walk this journey, with longing and hope,
I want to remember that there is One who sits enthroned on high.
I'm glad I know Him.
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10 comments:
My prayers are with you today. On February 15, 2005 I discovered the baby boy I had been carring for 18 weeks passed away; we named him Cameron. I know the empty feeling you described. While this precious child you are soon to adopt will not replace Cali, perhaps God's purpose through Cali's life was to open your heart to adoption. He works in mysterious ways. :) I am sure this was a hard post to write, but in doing so you gave glory to God.
Blessings,
Katie
....and I was hoping that Katie had something to say ;) I'm sorry for your loss, I know it was heartbreaking. You will never replace the sweet baby that now waits for you in the arms of Jesus. But, the journey that lies ahead will be miraculous!
{{{Hugs!}}} I know that feeling myself...it is hard, but God is good.
Thank you for your post! 8 years ago this week I had my first miscarriage. With all the chaos & change in our life right now, I had not given it much thought until earlier today. When I read your post, I was able to cry. I am so thankful that our journey has brought us our new daughter, Olivia Eyerus, but you are so right, it doesn't replace the daughter we lost. Thank you for sharing your heart. God used it in my life!
Karey
I love you, my friend...prayers as you remember & wonder...
Sheri
Thanks for stopping in on my blog. You have a beautiful family. I know the Lord is close on this day of remembrance.
What age and gender of child are you guys adopting? Are you in TN? You will love Ethiopia. It is amazing and heartbreaking at the same time. The people and children and babies are just precious.
Thinking about you and praying for you. I too, know the pain of losing a baby. It's heart breaking but God is STILL God. He is faithful even in the hard times. Praying for you! ((hugs))
Isn't it beautiful to see the beauty outside the pain? I'll tell ya what, I wouldn't ever want to miscarry again, EVER, but I call my God by new names and they mean so much more for how He so tenderly held me in my pain. And as you are on your adoption journey be open to the guidance of the One who holds orphans so close to His heart. How's the adoption process going for you? As it looks now maybe we could travel together, we're like at least 6 months away from thinking about traveling! :). Love in Christ,
Kala
Oh and I like to think that God helped use our baby we lost as a catalyst for seeing needs. So in my heart I carry that baby so close for guiding me to my little man in Ethiopia!
Kala
Missy - I'm so sorry about the loss of your sweet baby. We also lost our Elisabeth after 11 weeks last May. You never forget about them, but God does have wonderful plans and He led us to sweet Mussie!! I've lost your email so please email me or call so you can come over and meet him!!
Amy
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