If I spontaneously burst into tears, do not be alarmed

It's just the way things have been since learning about Randi's death. Today is especially hard. Her funeral was today and I wasn't there. Tate asked me, "Mom, why would you want to go when it will only make you cry more?" He hasn't learned the value of tears yet. I've needed these tears to process all this. The tears help me to let go of Randi, which I have to do. But they also let me hold onto her. Which I must do.

So, I've been going through old pictures. And I feel if I am going to let you into this loss with me, you need to have an idea of what a true angel we have said goodbye to...

(She is holding her youngest daughter, Cassyn. Her beauty, both inside and out, took my breath away.)

The words that come to mind when I think of Randi are beautiful, delightful, genuine, devoted, joyful, radiant and fun. Everyone knows she has the most beautiful smile and the most contagious laugh. But she also had the most angelic voice. Oh, how I wish I could hear that voice again!

I met Randi through a playgroup I was in when we lived in Indiana. Not just any playgroup, mind you. This was THE BEST PLAYGROUP EVER. The first time I met her was at the park...
Her second, Leighton (aka Leighty Bug), had just recently been born. That was the first of countless hours I spent with Randi and the playgroup girls. The playgroup started out being for the kids, but it really became a group for the Mommies. If any playgroup knew how to party, it was us. There was the Lady Bug party...
And the Dog party...
And the Christmas party...
And the Circus party...

And the Dora Party...

(We are Dora, Boots and Swiper...if you couldn't tell)

And the Army party...

(Randi with her oldest, Taive)

Just to name a few. But, there were also Mom's Nights out, like the Drive-in ( in our jammies, of course)...

The surprise slumber party...
Many meals out and karaoke nights...
And several scavenger hunts that always involved embarrassing ourselves as much as humanly possible...
What Randi brought to the group was selfless love and genuine caring. She had the sweetest spirit and lit up any room. She lit up our lives as well. Randi was the most encouraging person I have ever known. And she was always careful to point out the good in other people. She had an incredible capacity to love. She loved her family, her husband, her children, and above all her heavenly father with a passionate, gracious, UNDYING love.

Within the playgroup, a few of us (at first Randi and Tammy and later Kristin) lived our lives together like family...

(Easter Egg Hunt)

(Christmas Celebration)

One of the best memories, was Tate's 4th birthday party. He had been asking for months to have a dance party with a disco theme (Okay, I added the disco in there, but the dance party was all Tate). We had a DJ (students :)) lined up and lots of plans, but when I went to make the invitations Tate announced he wanted a Bob the Builder Dance Party. What?! But, Tammy came to the rescue and drew me an unbelievable picture of Bob the Builder striking a Saturday Night Fever pose in a leisure suit. And then my sweet friends (Randi and Tammy) showed up all decked out for the occasion...

Though several of us moved away, we were still able to get together...
I wish the above picture was bigger since it is one of my favorite of all time. (I am limited only to pictures that are on Facebook since our scanner is broken or I can't figure it out. Same difference.) It is from when Randi, Tammy, and Kristin all came to visit me the first year we moved here. I was SO lonely and having them step into my world made all the difference...
In the above picture, I am NOT pregnant. It was really windy. We are saying goodbye from our first Getaway. I can't believe we are saying goodbye to you today. It makes me think about how Lulu always waves Bye Bye after people are gone. They don't see her or know, but she is smiling and waving. Randi, I hope you knew how much your sweet spirit changed this world. And my life. I wish the last time we talked hadn't been so brief and wasn't back at Christmas time. I wish we wouldn't have let our conversations drift to become fewer and fewer over the past two years. I feel like Lulu...saying goodbye after you are gone. But you are in my heart forever, sweet Randi. I love you. I always will.

It wasn't a good friday

I had plans for Friday. I was going to do a post about our April Fool's shenanigans. I was going to spend some time drinking coffee with God. I was going to clean the house. And I was going to do a bit of shopping.

I didn't plan to receive the phone call that my sweet friend Randi had passed away unexpectedly the day before. I spent the rest of the afternoon in a zombie-like state. I would work on a few things, but about every 20 minutes I would end up back on her facebook page looking at her pictures and reading the her words. I was desperate for some piece of her. I desperately hoped that somehow it wasn't real. I think I was even too numb to cry.

I didn't cry until I read her obituary. It is sinking in now that I will never hear that infectious laugh again. Or hear that angelic voice on the line cooing about how grateful she is for the blessings in her life. And I will never see that beautiful smile again. Except I see it every time I close my eyes. And, through tears, I can't help but smile back.

I cried hard when I thought about our old playgroup from our Indiana days getting together again to celebrate Randi. Only Randi won't be with us. We won't be complete without her. No one else could SHINE like Randi. Her faith was her life. Her children were her delight. Her life was a light to everyone around her.

My dreams are filled with her. In them she is alive and well and full of joy. But then I wake up. My thoughts are full both of sweet memories and some regret that our talks had become fewer and fewer over the past couple of years. My prayers are filled with her family and their devastating loss. She was 35. She had three children. I am past the zombie state, but now it is odd in the moments when my life is "normal". I know she wouldn't want it, but I almost feel like I am betraying her in living life as normal. I am processing through it one day at a time.

Though it made Easter harder, the loss also brought a depth to this sacred holiday. Before I found out about Randi, I have to admit that I spent more of my time in the past two weeks planning out the coordinating outfits for my family to wear on Easter, than I did meditating on what Easter really is about. But being faced with a sudden death and the pain of loss has forced me to my knees. Easter is about hope. Easter is about rescue. Easter is about Love conquering death. That's what makes Good Friday good. I need Easter right now. I need Jesus.

And thankfully, I have Him. I am sad and confused. But I am not alone.

How warm is it?

Warm enough to ride around town like this...
It was not an intentional move to take the baby out nakey, but the warm weather sure helps when you have a spit up incident in Target that smells so rank you must get the outfit as far from you as humanly possible.

Prior to the stripping down, we had lunch with friends at Qdoba (what's your vote? Q or Chipotle? Despite the beauty of the queso, I'm going to have to go with Chipotle on this one). One friend, Sherri, who has been ahead of us in adoption and helped us so much along the way. She has a 5 year old son from China and a 3 year old daughter from Vietnam. They are so precious...
The other, Beth, is just getting started in a domestic infant minority program after patiently waiting for her turn. God provided all their finances already. How's that for a confirmation that it is time for them to move forward? It's so fun to be able to cheer her along in their process, just like she cheered us along. She was asking about hair and skin care. I am by no means an expert in this area, but I am baby-stepping my way to hairstyles beyond just ginormous bows(though I still love them fiercely). Here's my first "poof" attempt...
Parting has never been my forte. But I have a feeling that "practice will make slightly better". And I should be getting a lot of practice through the years. I added some doo-dads and liked the effect...
I am still very much in the novice category, but I have high hopes for what the future may bring.
As for skin care, I learned this lesson the hard way. One of our students was talking about being "ashy" if she didn't have enough lotion and immediately I realized that I wasn't even putting lotion on Lulu...
Definitely "ashy". My bad. So, thanks to Tanisha unknowingly educating me, we are now using Palmer's Shea Butter Formula every day and Lulu's skin is looking smooth and silky. If you don't believe me, just check out the nakey at the top of the post.

Now if you will excuse me, I need to spend some time scheming on how to punk my kids for April Fool's tomorrow. I have to redeem myself from last year.

There are two sides to every story

My last post was about how sad I was that spring break was over. And about how much I would miss "The Others" while they were back in school. And those things are not untrue. But, I also have been enjoying the past two days.

It has been fun to have the time to focus on Lulu. We have been enjoying the beautiful weather...
Even enjoying a little picnic...

"more"


"please"


"yummy"

As much as I love one on one time with her, I fell asleep last night at 9pm. I'm thinking it was from being back on Lulu Patrol on my own. I know there is just one of her, but the job of protecting her from the imminent dangers of daily life tends to wear me out.

I also enjoyed a trip to Sam's Club with just one child in tow. She didn't ask for Sun Chips or Propel or gum or honey buns. (Last time I had "help" at the store with me, we totaled up how much it cost me to have this helper along. $14. I realize it wouldn't have cost me any more had I said "no" to my helpers requests. I'm a work in progress.) Neither did Lulu fight with anyone at the store. Of course, she also couldn't help carry in the groceries but she was a delightful companion nonetheless.

Of course, I have three baskets full of laundry to fold, a Bible calling to me and ministry responsibilities that have long been neglected. But I'll take it one step at a time.

And the next step is to enjoy the fact that it is 11:58 and I am blogging. 11:58 AM, not PM, that is. I dig that.

It's hard to say good-bye...

to Spring Break. Late nights, sleeping in, pop tarts for breakfast and jammies til 2pm were the rule, not the exception. And best of all, having all 4 of my lovelies home every day. Though, of course, their behavior (and mine) is not always lovely, but I like having them around. They are indeed lovely to me. And our Spring Break was lovely as well. Here are some of the things that we did when we finally got out of bed and got dressed...

1. A trip to the Children's Museum...

"Help me, my Mom is a blogger."

Lulu enjoyed watching the kids run around almost as much as she did running around herself...
2. I've already blogged about our time at Gunga's, but we also had time at Grandma's...

Who knew he could walk on water???

How much money do you think we can make on Bill's child restraint system?
I know it looks kind of mean, but she loved it...
3. Enjoying warmer weather
4. Playing games
5. And WAY too much screen time!
Tomorrow morning, it's back to early rising, getting dressed in the a.m., and decent breakfasts. I'll miss you, Spring Break. I'll especially miss you Tate, Em, and Jack. As will Lulu. This is where you will find us tomorrow about 3pm...
Waiting for you.