the devil went down to florida

I am not one to cry "devil!" too much, but there is one thing I am pretty sure of: my little family is under attack. Not of the tragic or super dramatic variety, but there is stuff going on. Hurricane Isaac may have passed us by, but storms are brewing here. They are just storms of a different kind. Internal unsettledness. Fear. Anxiety. Conflict. Deep sadness. Little lies that creep into the heart and mind.

Our move has brought to the surface plenty of issues that existed before, but could be more easily handled with our typical coping mechanisms. But everything has been shaken up and those coping mechanisms are now rising to the surface. I am learning SO much about my kids and, mostly, about myself. And trust me, that last part really ain't too purty.

Since we've moved, it's interesting how "all roads lead to Nebraska". When anything makes us sad, frustrated or disappointed, the underlying sadness about leaving "home" is where we always seem to end up. The funny thing is, this move has gone about as well as it could have gone. We have met so many incredible people here who we wouldn't trade for the world. But deep down, things are still churning. We are bumping up against each other, each with our open wounds, and it has felt like we all are a bit bloodied at times.

But, as I have heard in time of war, you become a band of brothers. And this is my prayer, that in the midst of the battle, we wouldn't forget that we are on the same side. We are a team. Team Kollar. We may be a bit of a sucky team right now in some ways, but there's no other team I would want to fight with, and especially fight for.

And that's what i know i need to do. I'm a youngest child. I sort of like having things handed to me on a silver platter. But I am gonna have to fight for my own inner stability. For my own peace and rest to be stayed on my Jesus. And I am going to have to fight, in prayer and with tenacious love and grace, FOR my children. They need me to be strong right now.

But the truth is, I don't think I've ever been more fragile. And yet there is something so empowering about knowledge.  I am gaining new, albeit sometimes unpleasant, knowledge about my own fears and false idols every day. Which will, by god's grace, make me stronger as time goes by. I feel very weak right now, but I am clinging to the promise that when we are weak, He is strong.

Though I see the frailty, I also see ways we are growing closer both to God and to each other. This move has given opportunity for me to see emotional capacity in my kids that I have never seen before. We are learning forgiveness, grace and understanding all over again.

The good, the bad, and the ugly. We've got it all going on. It's not been a really attractive process, but I think it's called growth. So take that, devil. I think Team Kollar is gonna beat you after all.