Team Kollar

there are ways in which things seem to be breaking down around here. not the dishwasher or the van. things that can be even more costly in the long run. our marriage is fine (more than fine, actually). our family is intact and thriving in many ways. but i feel most days that i am at least flailing, if not failing, as a mother.

you may not have noticed but we have a lot of big personalities around here. and in the daily collision where life meets personalities (and temperaments and sin), i am feeling wearied. more by my own sin than anyone else's. i feel broken. i am broken. at times, i feel discouraged. at times i feel disheartened. but overall, i feel hopeful. i may be broken, but i am desperate before the lord. and i am learning. these are good things.

i just read ann voskamp's post on aholyexperience.com titled "when things get broken". every time i read her blog, i am strengthened and encouraged. her book "one thousand gifts" is my all time favorite book. i literally gasped five or six times in the book because the weight of what i was reading was so profound. this is what i read today...

you can't get to joy by making everything perfect. you can only get there by seeing in every imperfection all that's joy.

and so i have my marching orders. not from ann, but from scripture (give thanks in all circumstances for this is the will of god in christ jesus for you. 1 thess. 5:18) no more striving to make everything perfect, or as close to perfect to as i can possibly get. instead i want to see all that is joy in every imperfection. i think my husband will notice the difference. i think my kids will feel the difference. i think i will relish the difference in my mind and heart.

i've got big plans today. i'm going on a hunt for joy.