It wasn't a good friday

I had plans for Friday. I was going to do a post about our April Fool's shenanigans. I was going to spend some time drinking coffee with God. I was going to clean the house. And I was going to do a bit of shopping.

I didn't plan to receive the phone call that my sweet friend Randi had passed away unexpectedly the day before. I spent the rest of the afternoon in a zombie-like state. I would work on a few things, but about every 20 minutes I would end up back on her facebook page looking at her pictures and reading the her words. I was desperate for some piece of her. I desperately hoped that somehow it wasn't real. I think I was even too numb to cry.

I didn't cry until I read her obituary. It is sinking in now that I will never hear that infectious laugh again. Or hear that angelic voice on the line cooing about how grateful she is for the blessings in her life. And I will never see that beautiful smile again. Except I see it every time I close my eyes. And, through tears, I can't help but smile back.

I cried hard when I thought about our old playgroup from our Indiana days getting together again to celebrate Randi. Only Randi won't be with us. We won't be complete without her. No one else could SHINE like Randi. Her faith was her life. Her children were her delight. Her life was a light to everyone around her.

My dreams are filled with her. In them she is alive and well and full of joy. But then I wake up. My thoughts are full both of sweet memories and some regret that our talks had become fewer and fewer over the past couple of years. My prayers are filled with her family and their devastating loss. She was 35. She had three children. I am past the zombie state, but now it is odd in the moments when my life is "normal". I know she wouldn't want it, but I almost feel like I am betraying her in living life as normal. I am processing through it one day at a time.

Though it made Easter harder, the loss also brought a depth to this sacred holiday. Before I found out about Randi, I have to admit that I spent more of my time in the past two weeks planning out the coordinating outfits for my family to wear on Easter, than I did meditating on what Easter really is about. But being faced with a sudden death and the pain of loss has forced me to my knees. Easter is about hope. Easter is about rescue. Easter is about Love conquering death. That's what makes Good Friday good. I need Easter right now. I need Jesus.

And thankfully, I have Him. I am sad and confused. But I am not alone.