Team Kollar

I woke up this morning feeling kind of depressed. In fact, that's been rather common for me for the past week. This often happens when we return from a trip as I experience some sort of re-entry stress getting back to my life. More than anything, I feel overwhelmed by what needs to be done around the house. Things that have been left undone for 6 months. And instead of chipping away at such tasks in my free time (when the kids are asleep), I am falling asleep with the kids and leaving the work for another day. But "another day" never seems to come.

Meanwhile, do you know how many times I have quickly clicked away from the images of Haiti when they come up on the computer? I don't want to face the reality so far away from my doorstep. I want to continue to wallow in my state of sadness over my messy house and not deal with the horrors that people are living in there.

But I am reading "The Hole in our Gospel" by Richard Stearns, darnit. And it bids me to take a closer look. To feel outside of my own four walls. And to show compassion to "the least of these". It's not a new concept, of course. I've been reading the Bible for years and it's all over that book. But I am a slow learner. And I am desperately selfish. I just want everything to be easy. I just want everything to be happy. But all is not happy and easy in the world. Not today.

I am finding that if I insulate myself from the needs of the world, I might feel a little "happier", but my daily needs look more and more ominous. I lose perspective. And instead of giving myself to something outside of myself, I retreat inside myself and shut down. Awareness of the needs in the world propels me to compassion, while hiding from the needs of the world just makes me even more self-absorbed. For example, mounds of laundry can feel like a helpless state rather than millions of orphaned children or heaps of bodies in the streets of Port-au-Prince.

Not that I should ignore my own needs. Believe me, I am in no danger of that. I will take some time to reflect on what has been going on with me and I know the Lord will meet me right where I am. But I can do that while at the same time having both my mind and my heart open to those who suffer in ways I cannot imagine. And I think, because God made us to be connected to one another, my own needs are inextricably tied to the needs of the hurting all around the world. Whether I realize it or not.

So here I sit, 75 disturbing images later, a little dazed by what I have just seen of the situation in Haiti. I'm definitely not less depressed as a result. But I am glad that I am more engaged. And more able to respond, emotionally and otherwise, to the needs that exist outside my little world. Somehow the fact that my house is a mess doesn't seem as overwhelming to me right now since my house is, at least, still standing.