The Reason for my Sadness...

My Mommy has cancer. There, I said it.

The primary cancer is gall bladder cancer, but it has spread to her liver which is the biggest issue. She has started chemo treatments to stop the tumors from growing and shrink them. But there is no surgical option and they cannot shrink them completely.

I guess if you are going to get cancer, 80 is a better age to get it than as a child or a mother with young children. In any case, I hate cancer. And right now, I especially hate cancer that is in my Mommy.

She is doing well emotionally. First of all, she has a confidence in her relationship with the Lord which gives her hope for the future. For the present, I think she is glad to have started chemo and has been tolerating it well so far. In fact the night after her first chemo treatment, she went out to a ball...
That's my mother for you! I mean, really, how cute can one person possibly be?!

As for how I'm doing emotionally, it's definitely up and down. God has reminded me of His goodness in the midst of it all. Over the past six years since my Daddy died, I have been pretty panicky at times about the thought of losing my mother too. But the night before we found out about the cancer, God replaced the panic with a sense of peace. I'm not saying that I'm ready to say goodbye to her yet. But I am ready to be held close by my God, come what may.

He walked us through the Alzheimer's years with my Dad and the pain of saying goodbye. And I know He will walk us through this. You know, sometimes I miss the Alzheimer's years because although they felt so unbearable at times, there were also some of the sweetest moments of experiencing God's grace I have ever known. I expect nothing less in the painful journey ahead of us. What I miss most about my Daddy being gone is being able to show him my love. So I'm going to concentrate, with whatever time we have, on showing my Mommy just how much I love her. And how grateful I am to her for lavishing love on me my whole life.

When I consider the timing of this challenge, I am especially grateful that the adjustment for our whole family has been so smooth with Lulu. She is sleeping well. She seems settled, happy, and to be attaching to us. And she has a laid back personality that can roll with the punches. In addition, the other three kids seem to be settled in as well with nothing more than the typical behavioral issues common to the Kollar family. Now my head is barely above water in managing my home, but as far as our adoption goes, things have gone pretty well so far. The smooth transition has made it possible for me to have the emotional energy to engage in what is going on with my mom. I have been able to travel to doctor's appointments. And what better "pick me up" could there be in hard times than this sweet face...

I have not only my own emotions to deal with, but those of my children as well. They adore their Gunga and the oldest two are having an especially hard time processing what all of this means for now and for the future. It has been an opportunity for some precious conversations together. One funny interaction was when Tate was asking about Gunga getting chemo. When I told him that she was, he asked "So I'm going to have a bald grandma?" Before I could even answer he said, "I'm cool with that."

The day my mom found out about her cancer she said "God has been faithful to me my whole life, I don't expect Him to stop now." Thank you for modeling this kind of faith to me, Mommy, both in good times and in bad. I'm pretty sure that everyone who meets you wishes they could be related to you. How did I get so blessed to be one of the ones who calls you "Mommy"?

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
1 Thessalonians 5:18.