a pile of rubble

holy cake batter, ben and jerry's ice cream was on sale at our delightful, yet over-priced local grocery store! so we whipped open 6 different flavors and commenced our family night. a habit we have gotten away from in the mayhem surrounding our move. the evening was so delightful that we even ate outside. without sweat rolling down our thighs (an unfortunate, yet common experience for me this summer). it was a breezy, beautiful, love bug-free evening. and it was delightful.

an especially nice treat after spending much of the day crying. i think it was triggered by lulu's smack down with the corner of a wall last night. the wall won...

tate and i were at the ER until 1am while lulu got 7 stitches. it was not a pleasant ordeal, though the patient was undeniably pleasant and brave. she charmed the doctors and everyone in the waiting room, as per usual...

and the big brother was just plain amazing. he did his homework in a pretty crazy emergency room. and comforted his baby sis...

not to mention his mom.

the best quote of the night came when we nervously let lulu see her stitches. i was thinking she might be freaked out, but instead she simply said "wow. i am so cute"...

the trip to the ER triggered my sad day not because of the injury. granted, i was tired which made the tears come more easily. but today was weepy for me because the last time lulu had stitches i was in nebraska. i was with my sisters and my niece. and i felt, in many ways, like a completely different person.

but now i am here. not knowing where to take my child when she's hurt. not having my sister to talk me down off the ledge while i try to talk my daughter down off a ledge. not having my niece fumble for the words of the songs from tangled making me smile and feel so home. 

so i cried, on and off, for the better part of the day. and i thought about these kids of mine. these brave little souls have, not by choice, left everything they've known and they are here. feeling like completely different people themselves. not knowing what to do. and not being known.

except by the people sitting around the table, eating ice cream on a breezy florida night. together we are. together and known in our new world of unknown.

so tonight, together, we made a little altar to the lord. to thank him that even though we may not be very known here, we are fully known. and we are not alone. and as our little stones of thankfulness started piling up, i realized something: it may look like a pile of rubble from one perspective. but it's not. it is a beautiful display to the goodness of god. as we were thanking god for people and things he has blessed us with in these past three months, my swollen little red eyes were lifted up. just like our family activity, my life, this little pile of rubble, is being built into an altar for the lord...

and i am thankful. even on the weepy days.

when love comes down

there is something special when someone comes into your world. that incarnational kind of love speaks volumes. and brings healing. which is exactly what happened when my sister and brother in law came to visit us. it was just good medicine for my heart, my soul, my kids and for my home. i felt more at home in my home just because they were in it. their presence alone was an amazing gift. but they also served us in so many different ways. uncle steve painted rooms...

(hello, teal!)

and aunt carrie unpacked boxes. arranged and rearranged. decorated and re-decorated. and cleaned it all up before she left. they even surprised emma by getting the girls' room decorated...

it is still in process, but what a fun gift they gave of re-upholstering the headboards, a project i dreaded doing. they went from this...

to this...

in about two hours.

though i must say i am going to miss the 70's potted plants from my sister amy's room growing up. which then became "aunt maxine and uncles charles' room" in my parents house (don't ask). i tried to talk em into a groovy retro room, but she wasn't feeling it. we left the potted plants in tact underneath, so that they can return at some point. maybe when we are older, they will be in "aunt carrie and uncle steve's room" in our home.

with the new paint, headboards and bedding, the girls were thrilled with the reveal...

and, as always, thrilled with aunt carrie and uncle steve...

though there are plenty of things to do near us, we stayed close to home for the most part. though we did make it to our favorite froyo place three times in four days. we didn't venture out because carrie and steve chose to bless us by helping us make our house seem more like a home. i love  the changes we are making to make the house more "us". but what helps the house feel more home is that they were here. they were with us. and they were for us. serving, counseling, encouraging and uplifting us...

and so, it kinda stunk to say goodbye...

we are grateful both for them and to them. they left their home. they came to us. they loved us. sounds like the way jesus loved and loves us, doesn't it? thank you, aunt carrie and uncle steve, for being his hands and feet to us. we love you! 

p.s. if you come back, we promise to take you to menchie's even more!

the devil went down to florida

I am not one to cry "devil!" too much, but there is one thing I am pretty sure of: my little family is under attack. Not of the tragic or super dramatic variety, but there is stuff going on. Hurricane Isaac may have passed us by, but storms are brewing here. They are just storms of a different kind. Internal unsettledness. Fear. Anxiety. Conflict. Deep sadness. Little lies that creep into the heart and mind.

Our move has brought to the surface plenty of issues that existed before, but could be more easily handled with our typical coping mechanisms. But everything has been shaken up and those coping mechanisms are now rising to the surface. I am learning SO much about my kids and, mostly, about myself. And trust me, that last part really ain't too purty.

Since we've moved, it's interesting how "all roads lead to Nebraska". When anything makes us sad, frustrated or disappointed, the underlying sadness about leaving "home" is where we always seem to end up. The funny thing is, this move has gone about as well as it could have gone. We have met so many incredible people here who we wouldn't trade for the world. But deep down, things are still churning. We are bumping up against each other, each with our open wounds, and it has felt like we all are a bit bloodied at times.

But, as I have heard in time of war, you become a band of brothers. And this is my prayer, that in the midst of the battle, we wouldn't forget that we are on the same side. We are a team. Team Kollar. We may be a bit of a sucky team right now in some ways, but there's no other team I would want to fight with, and especially fight for.

And that's what i know i need to do. I'm a youngest child. I sort of like having things handed to me on a silver platter. But I am gonna have to fight for my own inner stability. For my own peace and rest to be stayed on my Jesus. And I am going to have to fight, in prayer and with tenacious love and grace, FOR my children. They need me to be strong right now.

But the truth is, I don't think I've ever been more fragile. And yet there is something so empowering about knowledge.  I am gaining new, albeit sometimes unpleasant, knowledge about my own fears and false idols every day. Which will, by god's grace, make me stronger as time goes by. I feel very weak right now, but I am clinging to the promise that when we are weak, He is strong.

Though I see the frailty, I also see ways we are growing closer both to God and to each other. This move has given opportunity for me to see emotional capacity in my kids that I have never seen before. We are learning forgiveness, grace and understanding all over again.

The good, the bad, and the ugly. We've got it all going on. It's not been a really attractive process, but I think it's called growth. So take that, devil. I think Team Kollar is gonna beat you after all.

a room where dreams come true

obviously when you move into a house that you didn't build yourself, there is going to be some re-decorating involved. most of what we plan to do, at least in the immediate, falls into the category of minor changes. though if i could find some low-budget way to change the light colored tile on most of the first floor i would be ON it (i am enamored by acid-stained concrete floors)! by the way, does anybody know how to clean light tile? because i surely don't. nor do my minions children.

the first order of business in re-decorating were the boys' rooms. that was a must since jack's room was pastel pink and pale green and tate's was well, just take a look for yourself...

he tried to man it up, but there's nothin' you can do with that but have some fun. all the princesses have gone now and this is where we are now...

we'll be adding this tapestry to the wall and curtains like these to spice things up a bit. 

we've arranged and re-arranged many times over and i'm still not sure about what we have. i don't like the bed in front of the window, but it's hard with the bed and the futon in the room. any ideas? my sisters know it is their god-given responsibility to advise me on such things, but I would welcome any input you have as well. 

now if we could keep it looking more like the above picture rather than like the teenage boy room that it usually looks like... 

to be fair, i should admit that my room currently looks like this...

i could definitely use a fairy godmother right now. or better yet, cinderella in her pre-princess state!

and off they go...

 

we've known this day was coming. i've laid awake at night praying over my kids going off to new schools. wait, let me re-phrase that...i have laid awake at night in near panic attacks in which i finally turned to the lord in prayer over my kids going off to new schools. i was so concerned about those going, that i kind of forgot the pain of the one staying behind...

poor little lu. it was rough. tate was off while it was still dark. it's sick and wrong if you ask me. but i have been up two days in a row at 6:15. shocking, i know. he was pretty overwhelmed by his first day of high school, but it was fine. he has school and then football practice which means this young man i adore is gone for almost 12 hours each day. again, sick and wrong if you ask me. 

jack is the next to leave at 8:08. though it's earlier than he was used to starting in nebraska, hes' a morning person, so it's not bad at all. and he is getting to see a dream fulfilled as he is getting to ride the bus now. something this momma was NOT excited about. though school pick up lines make me want to cuss, the conversations with my kiddos in the car, especially on the way home are priceless. thankfully, the bus stop is just on the other side of the park across the street. though the goodbye was hard for lulu and me...

 he was excited...

 he loves his new school and his teacher. that's my jack. he makes the most out of every experience in life. the last to leave was the divine miss em...

she gets a pretty sweet deal not leaving until 8:56. lulu (and i) fell apart after she left. but we did what made the most sense to us. we got some daddy love...

and painted nails...

and then we prayed like crazy, especially for em, throughout the day. the boys at least knew a few people in school. but this dear girl started her first day of middle school not knowing a SOUL. but, she didn't end the day that way. she made friends in school and actually had a pretty great day. but what was REALLY great was seeing this coming down the street in the afternoon...

 

 and the blessed reunions that followed...

 

 

 back TO school was good, but there was something better...

 

 

 and now we do it all over again...and again...and again. 

girl scouts are smart cookies

i can't continue with my blog tour of home because i keep forgetting to take after pictures. before and after pictures don't really work that way. so i just haven't been blogging. and that's just no good. so blog i shall.

as we left nebraska, our friend kelly gave us a beautiful word picture. she told us she was praying for people to "catch us on the other end".

we said some pretty hard goodbyes...

but we have also had some pretty sweet hellos on this end too...

i guess the girl scouts know what they are talking about when they sing that song.

more than anything, we know we have been "caught" by the One who never let us go in the first place.