a lovely mess

i love this picture...

it's not just that this shaggy mutt has weaseled his way into my heart. or that lulu took the picture. or that you can see my teal chevron rug.

i think it's more that this picture is kind of a mess. the lighting is a mess. the dog is a mess. the house is a mess. it's real life. and i love it.

i laughed. i cried. it was better than "cats". i will go back again and again and again.

when last you heard from me, i was a jumbled mess of grown up dreams and adolescent insecurities (please note: i am still very much in that state and think i will remain there, at least in some ways, until i am approximately 82 years old.) god knows this about me. he is very compassionate with me. but he also likes to mess with me. here's what he did this time: bill left for a meeting with the van (my command central) before i left for the airport. that's when i realized that my make up was in the van, complete unaccessible. really, lord? i'm supposed to go to this conference au naturale????? but thankfully i had just bought emmie some make up for her recital so, armed with my bonnie bell best, i headed to the created for care conference in atlanta.

being reunited with christine was every bit the treasure i knew it would be...

(please don't be mad about that picture, christine.

i had to post it because it just cracks me up! we look cute enough in the other ones, ok?)

i was in danger of peeing in my pants just about every time christine opened her mouth. and our hearts were able to connect deeply so there were tears mixed with the belly laughing. the perfect combination.

we were in an amazing retreat center. i can't believe i didn't take any pictures of the snack bins or the big refrigerators filled with all the diet coke you could drink for free. then sings my soul.

we were in a beautiful setting...

though quite honestly, i didn't experience much of it. i was too take with the immediate beauty of the women i was surrounded by. take seble, for example. she is ethiopian and works at the hotel. when i meet anyone ethiopian, my heart starts fluttering with excitement. but it's not just her nationality that makes her special. she came in on her day off just to be at the conference. she stayed up til 2am to make ethiopian bread for us. she went out of her way to encourage and get to know us. that is beauty...

i got to make new friends like rory, who i would have packed up and taken home with me if it didn't cost so darn much to check luggage...

i also got to connect with dear ones whose journeys i have felt like i have been along for the ride. and as with christina and kim, have sweet heart to heart talks that only confirmed in real time the connection that already existed in cyberspace.

for many others, the connections at the conference were far too short. i experienced a strange sort of phenomenon when meeting several of the women who i was so excited to see at the conference. i find it pretty easy to make connections when meeting for the first time. in fact, it's kind of my hobby to make new friends. i also can easily get deep with old friends. but this whole "get to know someone in real life who you already feel like you know in love through their blog" had me scratching my head. honestly, i couldn't really make small talk because i already knew the answers. for example, "where do you live? oh wait, i already know. what are your kids names? oh wait, i know that too. also what you did for their birthday party." but to ask about deeper things also felt a little awkward too. i left wanting to be able to connect more deeply. which is why i guess i'll have to come back next year!

and i loved the opportunity to be immersed in an environment of seeking the lord with such an amazing group of women. great speakers. amazing worship. time alone with god...

and in that world related to adoption and orphan care, god spoke to me. though he challenged me related to my role in orphan care, he did not speak to me about adopting again. i kind of wanted him to since i would jump on that idea with gusto. instead he spoke to me about applying the things i learned there to the four children currently under my roof.

after months of struggling to make sense of some of the challenges related to undesirable behaviors in my home (in my kids but even more in myself), i feel like i finally have a framework that all those things can fit into. it's as if the past months have been driving me toward these realizations and this conference was a climactic opportunity for the lord to speak into my life.

he spoke even more powerfully than the free snacks and diet coke did (and that's saying a lot.)

so i returned home with new friends, new perspectives and a renewed passion for what god has called me to not just around the world, but in my little world right here at home.

i am kind of freaking out.

freaking out because i am SOOOO excited to go to the created for care retreat this weekend. i hope on a plane today and meet up with my dear friend christine. god knit our hearts together in ethiopia and i can't wait to be with her again...

as if that wasn't enough, we are also going to be with 400 other adoptive moms. several whose blogs i have followed for years. women who i feel like i know. which brings me to the other way that i am freaking out. i am nervous. see, i am a bit of a dork. i like to call it "quirky". i snort when i laugh. i don't have much of a filter so things come out of my mouth that seemed normal in my brain, but when cut loose in the real world they are just plain weird. so, me and my quirkiness are going to meet these women who i already adore therefore i might make a total arse of myself.

i am excited for the input, the connections, the conversations, and the encouragement. i am excited for the whole thing and yet, i am still freaking out. i don't know how many conferences i have been to over the years that i have been involved with cru, but it might be close to 100. some of our staff have referred to us as campus crusade for conferences. but i have never been to a conference like this before. the world of orphan care and adoption has really only entered my central vision in the past several years. so i feel a bit like a newbie. i feel like a freshmen going to

one of our conferences for the first time.

i feel:

-unsure what to expect (except that i expect god to show up!)

-insecure (are my clothes too casual? too dressy? why didn't i color my grays before i left?)

-unsettled (what does god want to show me? what if people find out how self-absorbed i really am?)

-but mostly i feel excited for this opportunity. god will help me to sort through all the rest of my adolescent emotions. c4c, here i come!!!

and she danced.

"o man, learn how to dance,

or the angels will not know what to do with you."

st. augustine

emmie had a recital last weekend. and she danced...

the performance was great, but no one enjoyed it more that our littlest ballerina. she turned around to smile at me with delight so often that i was afraid she was going to miss too much of the performance. she was especially proud of her big sissie...

her big sissie who i overheard earlier in the day answer the question "who is your best friend?" by saying, "definitely my little sister." be still my beating heart.

as i was snapping photos of the girls backstage, em was exasperated by my picture-taking and the hovering that accompanied it. thus, this photo...

all i can say is "like mother, like daughter"...

my fav hollywood couple

this is definitely kathryn heigl's best movie...

the manager and the make up

at the dinner table the other night, jack said "guess what my job is in my class."

we couldn't guess. even with the hint that it began with the letter m. and we were a little surprised when he said his job was manager. "what does that mean?" we asked.

"well, it basically means that i am second in command."

"really?! what does your teacher think that it means?"

"oh, i have absolutely no idea.

for all you office fans out there, my kid is dwight (the assistant to the regional manager). poor guy came home a few days later a little disappointed that his responsibilities as "second in command" include picking up all the games after indoor recess. what can i say? he's a servant leader that jack.

this morning while i was searching for birthday invitations on etsy, lulu disappeared. this is rarely a good thing. i found her up in my bathroom and asked "what are you doing?"

her answer was thus, "i just putting on some make up. it's fine. just go away and go play your 'puter." then she added a few seconds later "sorry i said go away. i just want you to go. sorry. just don't freak out."

i didn't freak out (this time). i laughed. and i was reminded that i love my life and the people i live it with.

______ ________ is coming to town

it's not santa claus. think bigger. santa may bring gifts to good boys and girls, but this guy writes the songs that make the whole world sing.

barry manilow is coming to town. BARRY MANILOW IS COMING TO TOWN! after years of scheming of how i could get myself to vegas to see him, he is coming to ME. yes, i know his songs are as sappy as syrup. and i am aware that the man is 'durn near 100 years old. but this is barry manilow we are talking about. he is legend.

it's not just that i sang his songs as a little girl. barry (yes, we are on a first name basis) has a special place in our family. when we were first married and i moved away from everything i knew to a dumpy little apartment, i found an old barry manilow cd at the local library. once a week on my day off, bill would come home not knowing if he would find me curled up in the fetal position or belting out a barry song with gusto. 'cause you can go either way with barry's songs, ya know?

bill took me to a concert in indianopolis in the late 90's. barry hadn't had a hit in many years, but no matter. the place was packed with wrinkly groupies. even gray haired men had t-shirts with barry's face on them. okay, it was a little weird. but i loved every minute of it. in the middle of the concert when bill was singing his heart out to copa cabana i pointed my finger at him and said "you better not be mocking this!". he assured me that he was truly feelin' it and i fell in love all over again (with bill, that is, not barry).

someday when emma and bill have their dance on her wedding day, i have no doubt it will be to "i can't smile without you" by, you guessed it, barry manilow. he has been singing that to her since she was a little baby. they have shared many a dance 'round the kitchen floor to that song...

so "barry mellow", as emma used to call him, coming to town is something worth jumping about...

jump, shout, boogie to be exact.