gettin' tough on crime

summer means that my kids are spending a lot more time with each other which means a lot more laughter and fun... but don't let those smiling faces fool you. there's also a lot more fighting around our house as well. and this momma, well she's OVER it. i feel like we have tried everything. natural consequences (but the most natural consequence of being mean to a sibling is that they won't like you. that's not really what we want). lecturing. and disciplining til we are blue in the face.

i realize that, though natural, fighting between siblings is primarily an issue of the heart. a sick heart. or several of them as the case may be. the symptoms include things such as selishness, impatience, envy, rudeness, self-righteousness and insecurity. what they need, what we all need is a heart transplant. but, i can't do that. i can pray for them. i can encourage them, but i can't make them have affection for one another.

i have heard, though, that laughter is the best medicine. so that is what i have resorted to. it is impossible to be mad at someone you are laughing with, so the way we have gotten tough on crime around here is by using laughter as a discipline tool.

for example, tate and emma had to skip down the street holding hands in plain daylight. brutal.

jack and em had to make up a dance together. it was pretty good.

i am enjoying getting tough on crime. i'd welcome any ideas for their torture betterment.

there's a sold sign in front of my mom's house...

we've been moving things around, moving things out and moving things in to our house. as thankful as we are to have an offer on the house, it is sad to say goodbye to a place where love lived. so most of the cousins gathered to do some last loving and laughing there...

now my house is filled with treasures from my parent's home. and my garage is filled with furniture we have had in our home for nearly 20 years, that we have decided to part with. it is hard to say goodbye to these well-worn items that have survived (just barely) life in the kollar household.

and it is so strange to have the items that i grew up with, family heirlooms, in my home. but it's fun to see furniture given a new life or different purpose. to see it come alive again. though i know these things are still just stuff, they represent my heritage. even though they are precious to me, i feel like a bit of a stranger in my own home now without the things i have been used to being here.

i know this is just a transition and another part of grieving and in time the items from my childhood and the items from my married life will blend together, but for now i feel a little bit lost. in letting go, i am thankful that i still have Something, actually Someone, to hold onto. and a sweet little reminder of where my home really is.

grace, guts and glory

grace.

emmie's dance recital was last weekend. i cried through her dances each time. even when i was back stage watching on a monitor. this child has blossomed this year in dance...

she exudes confidence, poise and joyfulness as she dances. she does not stop smiling the entire time...

i don't have her in dance so she goes to juilliard some day. i have her in dance to have fun and to grow not just as a dancer, but as a person. and that is exactly what i see happening...

afterwards, there was the cutest little interchange between she and her daddy...

her first words to him were "dad, don't cry!" but he did. hard not to when faced with such beauty. growing up right before you eyes.

guts.

jack had his last football game of the season. though his team didn't do too well, it was fun that he was chosen as mvp. actually co-mvp which really means he was "one of the most valuable players", but he'll take it.

one thing i love about jack being in this football league is that they get kids like jack. they love his energy, passion, drive and jack-ness instead of being taken aback by it like some might be. jack just fits on a football field...

glory.

today was the last day of school...

which means two things for us.

1) we had our annual last day of school/first day of summer party...

2) i get my babies home with me every day. lulu doesn't have to cry when they leave. i don't have to deal with the dreaded school pick up. and our family has a whole summer to focus on the job of being together.

glorious.

alive and kicking

it turns out my computer was not indeed dead, but mostly dead. you better know that movie quote, people. the quote in the last post was an obscure one from "notting hill", by the way.

so my computer is alive and kicking. as is our marriage. our 18 year old marriage. so our marriage is entering adulthood, i guess. you know how 18 year olds are at such a hopeful time in life? they have lived enough of life to have some life experience under their belt and know (somewhat) who they are. but their whole adult future is ahead of them. it is a time of promise. and exciting time as they look to the future. they know their best days are ahead of them.

that's how i feel about my 18 year old marriage. we have had some pretty incredible life experiences together. four precious children. wonderful friends. the loss of beloved parents. travelling for god's purposes around much of the world. a job we still love. and best of all, we still love each other. heck, we even like each other most of the time.

we know who we are individually, increasingly so, and we know who we are as a couple (mostly). we try to learn from each argument (of which there are still many), grow from each mistake(of which there are even more) and forgive for every wrong. bottom line: bill and i are better together.

and so this 18 year old marriage stands on the brink of the rest of it's life. even though the hair is going in the right places and growing in the wrong places. even though the pounds are overstaying their welcome and the gray is coming with increasing tenacity. even though the wrinkles are making us look a little "squidgy around the edges" (also from notting hill) we believe that the best days of this marriage are ahead of us.

bring it on.

to celebrate our anniversary we went out to dinner and did a little photo shoot on the campus where we first met in 1989 when i had a big ol' perm and he had a wardrobe i hadn't yet worked my magic on. here we are older and wiser...

sometimes using a self timer works, sometimes it doesn't...

clearly i wasn't fast enough to make it in time for the shot...

trying to make the number 18...

(um, i have no idea what that number is.)

the sun may be setting on our lives, but it is definitely on the rise for our love...

18 years, babe? really? 18 years is like 180 years in hollywood marriage years! not bad. not bad at all.

"it's to do with the hair"

name that movie.

i randomly ask y'all to do that and no one ever does, but that's okay.

my computer is still dead with no prospect of resuscitation in the near future, which has thrown my bloggy groove way off.

but i might have my groove a little bit on in one area. FOR ONCE something i envisioned turned out exactly the way i hoped it would!!! i had a spontaneous urge to chop my hair since i pull it up every single day. so i did it...

it felt a little weird to be asking for jennifer aniston's cut since it's not the 90's anymore. but it has been very freeing.

now i think it might be time to color my hair for the very first time too since the gray seems to be becoming a force to be reckoned with.

and who knows? maybe i'll even get a feather.

i don't believe in apologizing for not blogging. because usually when i'm not blogging it's because i'm too busy living. either that or my computer is dead. in this case, both are true.

so though it's hard for me without my computer to post pictures of all the living we have been doing, i can tell you this...

and we were all laughing and fighting and forgiving just like usual.

and jack was shirtless.

so in the midst of a forced bloggy absence, you can be sure; not much has changed around here.

how does it all fit?

how does all the love that i feel for these little people fit in my heart?

how does all of the sadness i feel at losing my mother fit into my life without overwhelming me?

how does the joy of being a mommy and the pain of not having my mommy fit in my blessedly- aching soul simultaneously?

how does it fit together that one mother is lost and another is found on the other side of the world?

because of the reality of adoption and the loss of my dear mommy, mother's day will always be a holiday that i have to work a bit to "make things fit". i'm learning that it's not as straight forward as a homemade card and flowers. it is those things, for sure. but as i found out today, my first mother's day without my own mommy, though it is a wonderful day; it can also be a weepy day.

still it was a special day. it started with breakfast in bed made by my kiddos...

oh yes i did just post that picture of myself. why would i do such a thing? because it happened and i looked just like that when it happened. and this blog (barring the occasional touch up for excessive aging) is about real life.

next was church where my sunday school craft idea actually turned out cute...

it is rare when reality exceeds my ridiculously high expectations in life.

after that, lunch at home with sweet grandma and friends made (mostly) by my favorite...

despite the pictured backyard make-out session, when bill scored his biggest points was the night before when he asked me if it would comfort me to have gunga's dog, dickens (who normally sleeps in his kennel), sleep in bed with us. i know it doesn't sound sexy, but it ministered deeply to me. you get me, babe. well, maybe not all of the time. but you got me when it counted. thanks.

the afternoon consisted of hangin' out and having fun...

with the occasional tears mixed in at unexpected times. while everyone else feasted on leftovers for dinner, bill went out to get me something special. my meal was like a little shout out to my mommy. she spent most of her adult life in an unofficial search for the world's most perfect caesar salad. and she thought she had found it many times over as she could often be heard saying "I do believe this is the best caesar salad i ever put in my mouth." well this is indeed the best caesar salad i ever put in my mouth...

i only wish i had been sharing it with her.

but i shared it with some pretty cool people, the four who call me Mommy...

we ended the night with many rounds of hide and seek/tag. it was lulu's first time playing and i found her to be a helpful decoy...

that's how we celebrated the day. it's hard to believe just one year ago, i was celebrating this holiday with my sweet mommy...

i ache for her. in answer to my first questions, honestly i'm not sure how things "fit" in my life. with love. with loss. with joy. with pain. with adoption. with disappointment. with suffering around the world. but i do know who i "fit" with.

"how good it is to sing praises to our God,

how pleasant and fitting to praise him."

Psalm 147:1

so i'm just gonna go with that.