The day my life changed forever

June 14, 2010.

It was one month ago that my Mommy died...
Thanks to my friend Deb, I have some unbelievably powerful images from the graveside service. But out of respect, I can only post these few because of the intensity of emotions represented and the fact that they aren't just my emotions I would be putting out there. But I am so thankful for my family to have them. Our tears honor her.

Her Memorial Service was beautiful in every way...
Clinging to each other before the service...

(I have no clue what I would do without this man)

The joy of having little ones to make us smile through it all...

(two rockin' pall bearers in the church lobby with their groupie)

What Emmie wrote on her program during the Memorial service...

Dear Gunga, even though your gone your alive but it is in my heart. When you walked into a room that had the lights out and you could turn them on right away without even touching the light switch. I miss you so much. your life begins and ends in Jesus Crist. If something is hard for you, you never give up. Today your choir is beautiful. The first thing that hits my mind is gracious. You had a wonderful singing voice. We are crying now because you are gone. I know you are haveing a perfect time with Lane, Frances and Granddaddy and everyone else that you love. I loved when we cleaned the playroom down in the basement. Playing cards with you was a hobby of mind. Pastor Gary is speaking and he is puting you the right way. My dad did it too and he did it right too.

Love,
Emma Frances Kollar

An excerpt from my journal from two weeks ago...

I am numb right now. It's helpful since otherwise I would be in bed all day, every day. Lord, I am just so sad. There is such an emptiness. It's an emptiness in my VERY BEING. Her love filled me up. I knew she believed in me, delighted in me, was proud of me, and would always love me. And what do I do now without loving her back? I guess I don't stop. In my heart, I am still loving her and delighting in her and proud of my Mommy.

I guess all these late night posts about my Mommy are a way for me to keep on loving her and deal with the loss. It is all still so strange, this thing called grief. The most common phrase I have muttered to myself since that day is "I can't believe she is gone." But as the weeks go by, it is sinking in.

Thankfully, so is God's love and grace.

Meet the newest member of our family...

Gunga almost always had two dogs. One dog and an "emergency back up dog". Most recently her two dogs were Snickelfritz...
And Dickens...
She loved these little guys. If reincarnation were true, you wouldn't mind coming back as a dog if you could be one of Gunga's dogs. They were loved, spoiled, fed filet mignon leftovers, and forgiven for their many acts of naughtiness.

They were named for pet names my Dad would use for us. He called us "Snickelfritz" and "you little dickens", especially if we were doing something naughty. Unfortunately, these names became a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe she should have named them "Good Dog" and "Doesn't Go Potty in the House".

In March, when Gunga got the news that the current chemo treatment was no longer effective, she realized she needed to "have her things in order". What this meant was an appointment with her lawyer, her accountant and deciding who would take her dogs. My sister Georgie was the obvious choice for Fritzie. Why? Frankly, none of the rest of us wanted him. He is cute and sweet and would never hurt a fly, but he is 8 years old and not, shall we say, trained. But Gunga knew where he would fit and he has found a wonderful home with her family.

Dickens, Gunga's "emergency back up dog", is a 31/2 year old Yorkie-poo who we kept temporarily while my Mom recovered from knee surgery. At that time Bill, the dog whisperer, had him pretty well-trained and we all got a bit attached. I think he is cute as can be. Although my friend Deb said "I just think it's weird that your dog has a beard." Beard or no beard, Dickens is back permanently, as Gunga wished...
Which means we are now a two dog family. Like we needed any more chaos around here! But Ruby and Dickens seem to genuinely like one another...
Lulu calls them "Didi" and "Boo Boo" which may end up sticking...

Do you see how wet Ruby's neck is? That is from the frolicking that these two do together. It's a delicate dance as Ruby's jaw completely surrounds Dickens neck and Dickens nips all around her neck and bites her legs out from under her. It's all very cute and fascinating to watch until Jack yells "Look Mom, how cute...Dickens is up on top of Ruby!" No, not cute. Dog Whisperer, we need that kind of inappropriate behavior to stop.

Though I don't have many complaints, I would also like another little nasty habit of Dickens' to stop. I would prefer not having to lockdown any dirty underwear around the house while doing laundry. None of us are really into wearing the crotchless variety. Only two casualities so far. This actually is probably a good thing for my housekeeping since dirty underwear shouldn't really be laying around my house anyway.

It is sweet for us to have a piece of Gunga with us, albeit a furry one. I think Dickens is adjusting well to his new life with us, though there have definitely been times when he just seems sad...
I know how you feel, little buddy. I miss her too.

Sassy at 17

Yesterday marked Lulu's 17 month birthday, so I thought I would use this opportunity give an update on her. Warning: I may exaggerate the wonder of Lulu a little in this post, but a Mom's got to do what a Mom's got to do.

She is uber-talented...
Paci-Power times two!

She is athletic...

As demonstrated by her new love of throwing. I thought it was really cute when she first started throwing rocks in the above pic, but I soon learned that protective headgear may be necessary while she is in throwing mode.

She is brilliant...
She doesn't just scribble, she is already starting to writing her last name...

See the "K"? I think we've got a Doogie Howser on our hands, people.

She is affectionate...

She still loves her Gunga.

She's a maniac on the floor and she's dancin' like she's never danced before...

In the above pic it is a cousin dance party, but she shakes her groove thing any time she hears music.

And she is sassy...

I don't normally grab for the camera when she is in Sass mode, so it was hard to find the right pictures to portray our new reality. Apparently, 16 months was the new 2 because this girl has already mastered saying "no" while hitting, trying to bite to express anger, and throwing herself down in a tantrum. This does not bode well for the future.

But, thankfully Miss Sassy pants is all kinds of adorable...

When is it okay for drunk people to set off explosives?

When celebrating the 4th of July, of course. All four sisters were gathered for the weekend though we were neither drunk nor dealing with explosives. It was a healing time focused less on Independence Day and more on getting things done and being together. But we still got in on the fireworks action. The people next to Gunga's cabin do a professional-type fireworks show every year. It was beautiful...
But let me stress the words NEXT DOOR which means it was extremely loud. As in painfully loud. I don't know think the kids minded that much...
But I hated it. As did my nephew Lane who watched from inside...
Smart kid. But obnoxious fireworks could not dampen my love for the lake cabin...
I grew up doing exactly what my daughter is doing above and I love that the tradition continues.

I was thankful for the family time...

Uncle Alvin wins the award for the most patriotic outfit...
Uncle Jeff wins the award for the only adult willing and patient enough to help the kids light off their fireworks...
And Uncle Steve wins the award for feeding Lulu the most ice cream...
Though she made the rounds, believe me. Her charm serves her well in scavenging bites of dessert.

Tate's highlight was getting a cell phone which he is hoping will bring him some independence of his own. His mean parents require he pay for the monthly fee, but he had a years worth saved up just in time for the weekend. So, congrats buddy...
If looking at Tate's hair makes you think of Justin Bieber that would be fitting since my nieces went to his concert. Emmie really wanted to go, but we couldn't justify the money nor are we ready to encourage the boy crazyness. She will come by that naturally, so she doesn't need extra encouragement by her Mom taking her to a screaming hormone fest. She was pretty bummed as you can see...
Okay, maybe I kind of wanted to go too...
I told you she comes by it naturally. Instead I got my Justin fix by watching the Tina Fey/Justin Bieber sketch on SNL. Mute blog music and enjoy. Hilarious.

One thing that I really appreciate is that even though we no longer have our dear parents, we still have a family unit with my sisters and their families. I know Gunga was really blessed that her daughters were best friends. She prayed for that and encouraged that. I think she would be really blessed to see how we are walking through our grieving and closing down her household as best friends. Instead of fighting over who gets what, we are using the opportunity to connect with one another and help each other grieve.

But I didn't forget that it was Independence Day. What I was thinking about the most was the men and women who give their lives for the freedom we enjoy. Actually, I was mainly just thinking of four of them.

My friend Robrenna (who retired in April) and her husband Troy...
My nephew Josh who is at the Air Force Academy...
And my Daddy...
To them and to all who preserve and protect our freedom: I could never thank you enough.