Remembering Easter

It was a different kind of Easter celebration as I was reeling from the shock of my friend Randi's death. But because of the loss, I was acutely aware of the gift of life and the blessing of being able to be with the ones you love.

We had an Easter Egg Hunt at Gunga's. Please note the difference between an Egg-less Jack...
And an Egg-full Jack...
Happy hunting...
Maybe he's a little too old for this...
But Lulu is not too old. It was her first ever Egg Hunt. The flat ground was covered in doggie doo and picking up poo was not on my list of Easter activities. So she was on uneven terrain and I kept fearing she was going to wipe out. Which would not only be sad on it's own, but might ruin all my pictures, right?! This is why I went a little "Kate Gosselin" on Bill (who had the job of protecting Lulu and my pictures) which my sister caught on video. But I did manage to get some precious pictures afterall...
Oh what joy when you discover what is making the sound when you shake the egg...
is actually EDIBLE...
When you then spill the cheerios all over the ground and your mom lets you eat them, along with the dirt and grass stuck to them, your face will look like this...
Yeah, I know, icky. Yet irresistable.

She was so proud of her eggs...
Either that or she was saying "Please sir, I want some more"...
Judging by that desperate look, I'm gonna go with the latter. Someone furry was also saying "Please sir, I want some more"...
A weekend spent with extended family was the best kind of Easter treat...
Gunga with 10 of her 14 grandchildren...

Grandma with all 4 of her grandchildren...

And our little family on Easter Sunday...
Thankful for life. Thankful for Jesus. Thankful for family. And, of course, thankful for coordinated outfits.

And just to keep it real, feast your eyes on this...
Lovely, don't ya think? And yet another precious moment caught on film as I am clearly unimpressed with Tate's dance moves while I'm trying to get a fabulous picture of our happy family...
I want to cherish every moment. Even those that aren't Kodak ones.

Is my life better than your life?

I love blogging. Writing my own posts is therapy. Reading other people's posts is inspiring and fun. But there is something about blogging that taints the pure joy of the experience at times. That something is ME. My own insecurities. My own need to impress others. My continual habit of comparing myself to others. In the recesses of my heart, I desire to have my blog say "See, I matter. I have a great life. I have cute kids. I am happy. You should admire me. In fact, my life is better than your life!" I fight that monster within, because it is the last thing I want to be true of me and of my blog.

Conversely, as I read other people's blogs, what can sneak into my heart as I am reading is "Their life is better than my life. It is so much more exciting or fun or meaningful. She is skinnier or prettier or more talented or more spiritual than I am. Her home is more beautiful. Her children seem so sweet, and polite, and quiet. I must need to have something more in my life. Or I need to be something more than who I am." I don't want this to be true of me either. I have been given but one life. This one. I don't want to spend it living vicariously through other people's lives. I don't want to waste it wishing I was someone else.

So, that is the back story for my April Fool's Post. Because I am one complicated, conflicted girl. I wanted to have a good April Fool's story because April Fool's is (unfortunately) important to my kids. But, part of me, also wanted to have a good April Fool's story because I wanted to have a good April Fool's post. And why did I want to have a good April Fool's post? Because maybe you would think that I'm a creative person and a fun Mom. But, I don't want to live for what you think of me. Sometimes I am creative. Sometimes I am fun. But a lot of times, I am just a big ol' mess, inside and out.

That's really what this post is about.

April Fool's got off to a crazy start, thanks to Tate. That kid set his alarm for 2am so he could come into our rooms and change our clocks. Bill totally fell for it as he got up at 5am and went in to wake up Tate for the school day. I totally kept sleeping through my alarm, which is probably no surprise. I was pretty proud of Tate's effort though.

I was still desperately seeking a way to punk my kids throughout the day and nothing came to me. But, got an idea to have them join with me in punking our friends, the Hillman's. We got a pizza from the grocery store for dinner. Then we put sauce and cheese on the paper cooking tray and wrapped it back up...
The ultimate low-carb dinner option, I guess. I told Chris that I knew they had had a crazy night and I wanted to bless them with dinner. Up until this point, I was LOVING our little prank. I was proud of myself and excited to pull one over on them. But, when Chris was so grateful and blessed by our "gift", the guilt set in. Still, the die had been cast. We had to ride this one out. He fell for it and didn't realize what was up until he went to put it in the oven.

Yesterday, I was certain they were getting me back when I saw this in our yard...
But it was legit. Somehow this little guy made his way into our yard. This is not a normal experience where we live. We called all the neighbors over to experience the wonder of it all. Ruby was the most perplexed...
We named him Mr. T. The kids begged to keep him as a pet...
We said "no" because we are either really smart or really lame parents. The evening ended with us returning him to a pond so that he could live his life apart from the terror he would experience from being in this crazy family...
The above picture was taken just before Jack got spooked by movement from Mr. T and threw the box down. Never fear, Mr. T was okay.

But I wasn't okay. I was annoyed and frustrated with the kids for running around and yelling. The ironic thing is that when I found Mr. T, I was the one running around and yelling for them to come check it out. But, when their excitement level rose to meet mine, and so did their volume, I got upset. That is completely unfair. I hate it when I get mad at my kids for just being kids. What else are they supposed to be?! I share all this because it was what really happened in the midst of the fun of of the night. The fun was all mixed up with the frustration, just like the fun of blogging is all mixed up with my insecurities. That's just the way life is. My life anyway.

Why all this rambling with what could have just been a silly April Fool's post? I guess it's because I don't want to be the Fool. I have been profoundly blessed. But my life is no better, nor worse, than anyone else's. What makes it different is that it is mine. And I want to live it, instead of merely blogging it.

Am I still going to have this internal struggle most every time I read or write a post? Yep. But maybe it will help a bit to have let you in on it with me. And I hope reminding myself of the struggle will help me to beat it. So that I can be content with who I am and what I have and at the same time "Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep." (Romans 12:15)

Here's to emotionally healthy blogging! :)

Hello and Goodbye

For the past week I have been coping with the fact that I have to say goodbye to my sweet Randi. I don't like goodbyes. Especially not this kind. But in the midst of the sadness there has also been the joy of saying hello to another friend, Virginia. When I had to leave my friends in Indiana, it was SO sad. But God met me in the first year in different ways. One way was through a friendship with Virginia. She was the kind of everyday, garage sale-ing, "there's a sale on milk", "I need you to take my kids NOW" kind of friend. Four years ago, Miss V and her family moved away, so we were delighted that they chose to spend their spring break here!

It was great to introduce them to Lulu...
Seeing how all the kids had grown...
Letting the girls dress Lulu up for a fashion show...

(I am constantly telling the kids "Lulu is not your toy!". I guess I stand corrected.)

Slumber parties...

Swimming at their hotel pool...
Reuniting Miss V with her favorite grocery store workers...
And partaking of the yummy goodness of a crisp meat burrito from Amigo's...
She was also so kind as to bless me with these...
I thought I had lost all hope of having Girl Scout cookies this year since I gave them up for Lent and let the cookie monsters around here eat up the ones I ordered. But, alas, God provided through Miss V! I may or may not have had them for breakfast two mornings in a row.

They also gave us some precious gifts they found at an African art show....

(very cute, babe)

You can check out the website here.It means so much to me how our friends realize that Africa is not only Lulu's heritage, but it is also a part of our family identity forever.

How delightful to be together enjoying the blessing of friendship. And, I think I am more keenly aware than ever, what a blessing it is to find true friends.

And those friends can be found in all sorts of different places. I was just wondering the other day if I am weird because I feel so much affection for blog friends that I have never met. Then yesterday, I got the most incredible surprise from a blog friend...
Mandy, whom I have never met, sent me these beautiful flowers with a card saying she knew I had been going through a lot lately and she was praying for me. Can you believe that?! I was blown away by her kindness and compassion. I love that blogging has opened up a whole new world of incredible people to me. So many hello's I hope to make in the years to come of meeting blog friends like Mandy in person.

If I spontaneously burst into tears, do not be alarmed

It's just the way things have been since learning about Randi's death. Today is especially hard. Her funeral was today and I wasn't there. Tate asked me, "Mom, why would you want to go when it will only make you cry more?" He hasn't learned the value of tears yet. I've needed these tears to process all this. The tears help me to let go of Randi, which I have to do. But they also let me hold onto her. Which I must do.

So, I've been going through old pictures. And I feel if I am going to let you into this loss with me, you need to have an idea of what a true angel we have said goodbye to...

(She is holding her youngest daughter, Cassyn. Her beauty, both inside and out, took my breath away.)

The words that come to mind when I think of Randi are beautiful, delightful, genuine, devoted, joyful, radiant and fun. Everyone knows she has the most beautiful smile and the most contagious laugh. But she also had the most angelic voice. Oh, how I wish I could hear that voice again!

I met Randi through a playgroup I was in when we lived in Indiana. Not just any playgroup, mind you. This was THE BEST PLAYGROUP EVER. The first time I met her was at the park...
Her second, Leighton (aka Leighty Bug), had just recently been born. That was the first of countless hours I spent with Randi and the playgroup girls. The playgroup started out being for the kids, but it really became a group for the Mommies. If any playgroup knew how to party, it was us. There was the Lady Bug party...
And the Dog party...
And the Christmas party...
And the Circus party...

And the Dora Party...

(We are Dora, Boots and Swiper...if you couldn't tell)

And the Army party...

(Randi with her oldest, Taive)

Just to name a few. But, there were also Mom's Nights out, like the Drive-in ( in our jammies, of course)...

The surprise slumber party...
Many meals out and karaoke nights...
And several scavenger hunts that always involved embarrassing ourselves as much as humanly possible...
What Randi brought to the group was selfless love and genuine caring. She had the sweetest spirit and lit up any room. She lit up our lives as well. Randi was the most encouraging person I have ever known. And she was always careful to point out the good in other people. She had an incredible capacity to love. She loved her family, her husband, her children, and above all her heavenly father with a passionate, gracious, UNDYING love.

Within the playgroup, a few of us (at first Randi and Tammy and later Kristin) lived our lives together like family...

(Easter Egg Hunt)

(Christmas Celebration)

One of the best memories, was Tate's 4th birthday party. He had been asking for months to have a dance party with a disco theme (Okay, I added the disco in there, but the dance party was all Tate). We had a DJ (students :)) lined up and lots of plans, but when I went to make the invitations Tate announced he wanted a Bob the Builder Dance Party. What?! But, Tammy came to the rescue and drew me an unbelievable picture of Bob the Builder striking a Saturday Night Fever pose in a leisure suit. And then my sweet friends (Randi and Tammy) showed up all decked out for the occasion...

Though several of us moved away, we were still able to get together...
I wish the above picture was bigger since it is one of my favorite of all time. (I am limited only to pictures that are on Facebook since our scanner is broken or I can't figure it out. Same difference.) It is from when Randi, Tammy, and Kristin all came to visit me the first year we moved here. I was SO lonely and having them step into my world made all the difference...
In the above picture, I am NOT pregnant. It was really windy. We are saying goodbye from our first Getaway. I can't believe we are saying goodbye to you today. It makes me think about how Lulu always waves Bye Bye after people are gone. They don't see her or know, but she is smiling and waving. Randi, I hope you knew how much your sweet spirit changed this world. And my life. I wish the last time we talked hadn't been so brief and wasn't back at Christmas time. I wish we wouldn't have let our conversations drift to become fewer and fewer over the past two years. I feel like Lulu...saying goodbye after you are gone. But you are in my heart forever, sweet Randi. I love you. I always will.

It wasn't a good friday

I had plans for Friday. I was going to do a post about our April Fool's shenanigans. I was going to spend some time drinking coffee with God. I was going to clean the house. And I was going to do a bit of shopping.

I didn't plan to receive the phone call that my sweet friend Randi had passed away unexpectedly the day before. I spent the rest of the afternoon in a zombie-like state. I would work on a few things, but about every 20 minutes I would end up back on her facebook page looking at her pictures and reading the her words. I was desperate for some piece of her. I desperately hoped that somehow it wasn't real. I think I was even too numb to cry.

I didn't cry until I read her obituary. It is sinking in now that I will never hear that infectious laugh again. Or hear that angelic voice on the line cooing about how grateful she is for the blessings in her life. And I will never see that beautiful smile again. Except I see it every time I close my eyes. And, through tears, I can't help but smile back.

I cried hard when I thought about our old playgroup from our Indiana days getting together again to celebrate Randi. Only Randi won't be with us. We won't be complete without her. No one else could SHINE like Randi. Her faith was her life. Her children were her delight. Her life was a light to everyone around her.

My dreams are filled with her. In them she is alive and well and full of joy. But then I wake up. My thoughts are full both of sweet memories and some regret that our talks had become fewer and fewer over the past couple of years. My prayers are filled with her family and their devastating loss. She was 35. She had three children. I am past the zombie state, but now it is odd in the moments when my life is "normal". I know she wouldn't want it, but I almost feel like I am betraying her in living life as normal. I am processing through it one day at a time.

Though it made Easter harder, the loss also brought a depth to this sacred holiday. Before I found out about Randi, I have to admit that I spent more of my time in the past two weeks planning out the coordinating outfits for my family to wear on Easter, than I did meditating on what Easter really is about. But being faced with a sudden death and the pain of loss has forced me to my knees. Easter is about hope. Easter is about rescue. Easter is about Love conquering death. That's what makes Good Friday good. I need Easter right now. I need Jesus.

And thankfully, I have Him. I am sad and confused. But I am not alone.