Scary, I know.
Over the years this happy-go-lucky girl has become more introspective. The journey of adoption, the changing of our family, and the diagnosis of my Mommy's cancer has given me much to "introspect" about. The main thing I have struggled with the past 7 months, as I have blogged about before, is that I don't feel like myself. My life, at times, can feel like I am an observer rather than a participant. And a pretty confused observer at that. I can't quite figure out the plot or the characters in the story of my life right now.
During this time, there have been some key revelations I have had. The first came from my Mommy's best friend, Robin. She reads my blog to my Mother who has Macular Degeneration and cannot see it for herself. How sweet is that? She read my posts about living in a fog and feeling like a stranger in my own life. And she called me to remind me that my beloved Mommy has cancer. Not to remind me as if I've forgotten, but to speak the life-giving words that I need to give myself permission to be sad about my Mommy's cancer. I
should be sad. I
need to be sad. So it's no wonder that I haven't been my normally perky self as I have been adjusting to this reality.
The second revelation came through a conversation with Doobie. She's Deb to the rest of the world, but to me she will always be Doobie. She has been a consistent source of truth and grace in my life. In a conversation we had several weeks back, I told her of how the way I have done life doesn't seem to be working as well now that I have 4 children and a baby. I used to have seemingly unending energy for relationships. I am the type of person who has a high capacity for relationships and gain energy by being with people. I would pack my days with one thing after another, all relating to people, and never seem to tire. I would stay up late (and sleep in late when possible) and go, go, go with pretty authentic joy and vigor.
Not so anymore. I am ready for bed at 9:30pm. What am I, 85? Next I'm going to start eating dinner at 4pm. The idea of more than one outside activity with someone during the day sounds draining rather than life-giving to me. My schedule is pared down significantly from previous years as far as responsibilities outside our home and yet, life feels overwhelming to me. I have asked myself over and over again in the past 7 months, "Who am I?" and "What's wrong with me?!".
These are the questions I brought before Doobie. She helped me to see that it's not that something is wrong with me, but that I am becoming more of who I am supposed to be. Some of the patterns that I was living in with my "all people, all the time" lifestyle were extreme and, though enjoyable at the time, imbalanced. And with my growing family and their changing needs, I have less capacity outside of my home because of increased demands within my home. And, as someone who can tend to respond more to the needs outside of my family, it is a really good thing for me to be careful to live by my priorities.
We have a new normal and we are trying to figure out how to "do life" with 4 kids and a baby. I've been realizing that when kids are little, caring for them can be hard work. I need to be on high alert at all times to provide for Lulu's needs. I had forgotten how physically exhausting it can be to have a little one around. And I am just learning how it can be exhausting in a different way to have school-aged kids. They don't physically need me for that much anymore, but now it can be more
emotionally exhausting. It's not that I have it that hard, especially since it's 1:1 for me during the days with just Lulu. But it
is different. And exhausting in every respect. And I wouldn't change it for the world.
Finally, the third revelation was an experience I had with the Lord. I was driving alone and I love using that time to talk to God. I was telling him
again of how I don't feel the same and how it still puzzles me. And it hit me as if he was talking right to me. I
am different. I am
supposed to be different. The process of adoption changed me. Ethiopia changed me. Knowing and loving Lulu is changing me. God Himself is changing me through my husband and kids, my daily life, my Mom's cancer, His word, other people. People change and grow. It was like He was saying, "It's okay, Miss. You're okay, Miss. It's going to turn out okay. I've got you." like I say to my little Lulu when she's sad, "Mommy's got you, it's okay, baby girl." I can be sad. I can cry. I can be confused. I can question it all. Because I am held.
And that's about enough thinking for today.
It captures how I felt today since we received the news that my mom's tumor has grown significantly, despite the chemo treatments. This is hard news especially since we were just told in January that the tumor was shrinking. I feel the sadness rising within in me. But there is something else rising within me at the same time. A song. There is still a song in my heart to God. A song of thankfulness. A song of hope. A song of trust in His goodness and care for His children.
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